Video Credit: Kevyn Tapia

What is your story?

My story starts with control. The lack of and the need for it. I was always a very independent kid. I felt like I needed to be where everyone else was and that tainted my own perception of success. I never liked to ask for help. It made me feel weak. Life was just me, working way to hard to live up to unattainable standards. There are days I wish I had a more childlike childhood. Less stress, more time outside. But I am where I am now and I am proud of myself for making it this far. I still have days that I can't sit still because my mind feels like it's going to explode, but one day at a time right? Healing isn't linear and I constantly remind myself to take a break. Reflect a bit. It'll get better, I just need to be patient.

How has your story impacted who you are today?

I have been negatively and positively impacted by my story. Positively, I am very self aware. I am independent and mature. I am compassionate and am good at taking care of others. Generally, I would say I am a pretty great person (not to toot my own horn). Negatively, I am almost constantly anxious. I overthink and am way too hard on myself. I have a tendency to push myself until I am no longer functioning, physically or emotionally, and when I finally break down I blame myself for not handling things better. It's an ugly cycle, but hey at least I am aware of it. I think that's the first step.

What has your mental health journey looked like?

My mental health journey has consisted of on and off therapy. I tried tai chi for a bit. Dabbled in journaling. Nothing ever stuck though. I think therapy has been most beneficial for me, but currently, I am looking for a new therapist. I hope to have one again by the summer time. I tend to fall into these seasons where I feel better for a little, so I stop taking care of myself until I fall into a bad place again. I'm not very good at consistency. I'm working on it though. Each spiral follows a better debrief and an even better plan about how to avoid another spiral. I would say compared to myself a year ago, I am doing better. More aware per-say. Hopefully by next year I can say the same.

What encouragement would you give to someone who shares a similar story?

Find things that give you comfort. People, places, experiences. Make sure not to over indulge, but definitely allow yourself to enjoy things. If that means going to the spa, inviting some friends over, or making a pb&j, do that. You deserve to experience joy. So take a minute and figure out what brings you that. You might have to start small. On my hard days, I resorted to driving with Moses Sumney in the background. On easier days, I would go shopping for clothes. My point is that we all start somewhere. You're not alone.